What a Retired Veteran in a Barber Shop Taught Me About How I Do Therapy

I had already changed, but talking to him made me realize it.

I was at the barber shop recently when a retired veteran started sharing his story with the barbers and anyone else within earshot. He talked about his years in the military, what life looked like after service, and how he had learned over time to seek help for the emotional weight he carried. He said something that stuck with me: when he was younger, he would have blown it off. He was not open to it. But as he got older, he learned to seek therapy for his emotional needs instead of pushing them aside.

What he said resonated with me — not just because of what he shared about himself, but because it made me reflect on my own evolution as a therapist.

What I Used to Ask

Earlier in my career, I identified strongly as a trauma therapist. I got certified in EMDR — a well-known and effective treatment for trauma — and I was using it regularly. When a new client came in, my instinct was to ask some version of: what is your trauma? Let us work on it.

That approach was well-intentioned, and it genuinely helped many people. But looking back, I can see that I was leading with the event — the diagnosis, the thing that happened. I was focused on identifying the wound so we could get to work on it.

What I Ask Now

These days, I am much more likely to ask something different: How does it feel to be here? How does it feel to come in and tell me your story?

I am still interested in what someone is telling me. But I am just as interested — maybe more — in how it feels for them to tell me. What is it like to show yourself to another person? To let someone in on the parts of your life that are hard to talk about?

This shift matters because the real impact of trauma often lives in the interpersonal space. It is not just what happened to you — it is how what happened changed your ability to connect with others, to trust, to depend on safe people, to be vulnerable. Making the unspeakable speakable and thinkable — that is where the healing begins.

Why This Matters for Veterans and First Responders

Veterans, active military, police officers, corrections officers, firefighters, EMTs — these are people who are trained to be strong, self-reliant, and to push through. That training serves them well in their work. But it can also make it harder to do the thing that therapy asks of them: to slow down, to feel, and to let someone else in.

The need for these populations is not just trauma treatment — though that matters too. It is learning to trust others, to depend on safe people, to be vulnerable verbally and emotionally. The veteran in the barber shop confirmed this in his own way: the willingness to seek help came with maturity and readiness, not just with having a problem.

Group therapy is particularly powerful for this population. It offers a space to practice connection and vulnerability with real people in real time — something that is hard to replicate in any other setting.

Therapy That Meets You Where You Are

I do not start by asking what your trauma is. I start by being with you. I want to know what it is like for you to be here, in this room, telling me your story. That is where the work begins — not with a diagnosis, but with a relationship.

Whether you are a veteran, a first responder, or anyone else who has been carrying something heavy — you do not have to have it all figured out before you reach out. You just have to be willing to show up.

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