Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
Every couple has a fight they keep having. The topic changes — dishes, money, sex, children, parenting, in-laws, screen time — but the feeling underneath is familiar. The same hurt. The same frustration. The same sense of being unseen or unheard or not enough.
That repetition is not a coincidence. It is a pattern. And in my experience, the pattern is usually not about the thing on the surface.
The Fight on Top
On the surface, it looks like a disagreement. One person wants something the other person is not giving. Someone is too critical. Someone has shut down. Someone is doing too much and someone is not doing enough.
These surface-level fights can feel very real and very important in the moment. And they are — but not usually for the reasons we think. The dishes are not the problem. The fact that your partner did not text you back is not the problem. These are triggers for something deeper.
One of my teachers liked to say, "sex, money, and time are never just about sex, money, and time."
What Is Actually Happening
Underneath most recurring fights, there is an attachment question being asked. It sounds different for different people, but it usually comes down to some version of: Do I matter to you? Am I important to you? Do you see me? Do you need me? Do you appreciate me?
These are not small questions. These are the questions that drive our closest relationships — and when they feel unanswered, we react. Some of us react by pursuing: we push harder, we criticize, we get angry, we try to get a response. Some of us react by withdrawing: we shut down, we pull away, we go quiet, we give up. And often one partner is pursuing while the other is withdrawing — or the reverse — which creates a cycle that feeds itself.
The pursuer feels abandoned, so they push harder. The withdrawer feels overwhelmed, so they pull further away. Both are hurting. Neither knows what to do. Both are trying to protect themselves. And neither is getting what they actually need.
For one it is a crisis to not be able to address a conflict — it is emotional pain, an abandonment. For the other it is a crisis to not be able to stop a conflict which feels threatening to the relationship. Each is holding an important hope — to keep the relationship going, or to keep it from falling apart.
The Cycle Is the Problem, Not Either of You
One of the most important things we as EFT couples therapists try to help couples see is that the enemy is not your partner. The enemy is the cycle — the pattern you have both gotten caught in.
This is not about blame. Both people are contributing to the pattern, and both people are being hurt by it. The pursuer is not wrong for wanting connection. The withdrawer is not wrong for needing space. Both people are fighting for the relationship. Both people are holding a hope to protect the relationship. But the way they are trying to get what they need is keeping them stuck.
When couples can start to see the cycle — to name it, to notice when they are in it — something shifts. Instead of "you always" and "you never," it becomes "we are doing that thing again." That might sound small, but it changes everything. It puts both people on the same side. It allows both to see what is actually happening.
Getting to What Is Underneath
The work in couples therapy — especially in Emotionally Focused Therapy — is about helping each person access and show what is underneath their position in the cycle. The pursuer who appears to be blaming and critical may show that they are afraid that they are not important to the other and may be afraid of losing the relationship. The withdrawer who looks indifferent may be overwhelmed by a fear of failing their partner.
When those deeper feelings come out — when the pursuer can say "I am scared I am not important to you" instead of criticizing, or the withdrawer can say "I am afraid that I am not adequate for you" instead of going silent — something opens up. The other person can hear it. They can respond to it. They can meet it.
That is where the real conversation is. And most couples have never had it — not because they do not care, but because they have not gotten the help that they need. That is what we do at our practice in Bountiful — we help couples get to what is actually underneath.
Getting Help in Utah
If you and your partner keep having the same fight, it may not be about what you think it is about. That is not a bad thing — it means there is something real underneath that is worth getting to. You can learn more about couples therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, or reach out through our contact page to schedule a free consultation.